A Means to a Unified LOST Theory

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A Means to a Unified LOST Theory
Where’s Mr. Eko?

This past Tuesday aired the penultimate episode of LOST. Here’s a quick recap:
Spoiler Alert! Spoiler Alert! Spoiler Alert!

Jacob outs himself as a sparkly vampire then transforms Jack Shepherd into a fluorescent werewolf in a sick and twisted Twilight-ized foot-fetish ceremony! The smoke monster is defeated by proper ventilation and a ceiling fan! Sawyer is revealed to be a double-secret-probation-secret-double-agent working for evil Benjamin Linus who is actually good Benjamin Linus! Fake Locke is actually flash-sideways John Lock pretending to be the previously flash-forward John Locke in the current timeline who is actually the Man-In-Black pretending to be Jesus-Christ-Kick-Boxer!

Yes, with the final episode of LOST airing this Sunday we can all look forward to big reveals, more questions than answers, the lamentations of unhappy nerds incapable of satisfaction, and idiotic theories that will go on and on and on and on. As a devoted fan of the show I am very much excited to see the final conclusion. I hope that LOST will be remembered as the show that humanized science fiction; a phenomenon that brought the narrative of paradoxes to the masses. More so, I hope that it is remembered for its commitment to story. Rather than see the show languish and become watered down over the course of an indefinite run, the creators chose to set finite boundaries and plan out a contained six-season story arc. I hope to see the fulfillment of that promise as a layered and artful finale that I have come to expect from the writers and producers of LOST.

More than anything else I am happy to see the end of countless drunk conversations about time traveling theories, island red-herring explanations, and d-bags that post spoilers on facebook. Not that I abhor existential theorizing or quantum speculation, quite the contrary, I just don’t want to listen to any of it. LOST fans can be so friggin’ annoying. Sheesh.

Wanna hear my theory? Wanna hear my theory? Wanna hear my theory?

“I think the island is hell.” “I think the island is purgatory.” “I think the island is all in Hurley’s mind, inside the inner mind of snow globe.” “I think the island is SHUT THE FUCK UP.” Since the show has gained popularity over the years anyone that might have read No Exit in high school has become an expert on Sartre’s existentialism. To clarify, hell is not just “other people”; hell is being forced to listen to idiots ramble in non-sequiturs and inaccuracies and call it “my” theory.

The complexities of the show have alienated many a viewer, tons of people that just “don’t get it”. I’m fine with that. My only problem with the time-traveling narrative of LOST has been the overall effect on blockheads who think themselves Einstein after seeing T2 or Back to the Future. Giving the general principles of quantum mechanics to dunces is like going on a week’s vacation and leaving the keys to your brand new Porsche to the Fresh Prince. Let’s face it, the LOST theory market has become over-saturated and has only made the show more impenetrable. Reading and contributing to various forums will only leave you arrested, your car impounded, and no way to avoid being grounded. It’s like layering invectives with bad 80’s rap lyrics. Could that be my intended subtext all along? Is Will Smith just a red herring? In introducing allusions to the classic 1988 album He’s the DJ, I’m the Rapper have you been invited to a hoax or a joke? What is the mysterious relationship between misdirection and deception?


Here’s looking at you and six kickass seasons. To all you theorizing ruiners out there: Leave me the fuck alone until after Sunday. Bring on the finale!

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